


Who hired these people??

by NoLifeAtAll



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: AU where they're all teachers and/or school staff, Group Chat Fic, Multi, Shoutout to my friend for helping me with a few usernames, There's still wyverns and pegasi and such but it's modern day, for the chaos, modern day AU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-24
Updated: 2021-01-24
Packaged: 2021-03-16 13:35:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28957278
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NoLifeAtAll/pseuds/NoLifeAtAll
Summary: Highly unqualified for this: Rhea’s going to have to wait, a bitch needs a coffeeThe meme Lord: ‘a bitch needs a coffee’, thank you for this wisdom O wise oneHighly unqualified for this:  Shut it ClaudeThe meme lord:  You love me really ;)---Group chat AU where they're all teachers and/or school staff but on a group chat. Let the chaos ensue!
Relationships: Dorothea Arnault/My Unit | Byleth, Hilda Valentine Goneril/Claude von Riegan, Marianne von Edmund/Sylvain Jose Gautier
Comments: 2
Kudos: 15





	Who hired these people??

**Author's Note:**

> Ok so I had planned this for so long then ended up writing it in like 2 days lmao
> 
> Idk how good this is gonna actually be cos I've never written a group chat fic. There'll be times where it's written a bit closer to an actual fic for sections just cos I want to and why not.
> 
> Shout out to my friend for bearing with me yeeting screenshots at them as I wrote it
> 
> For reference a list of usernames:
> 
> Highly unqualified for this - Byleth  
> The meme lord - Claude  
> Can I axe you a question - Hilda  
> Drama queen/Local Byleth admirer - Dorothea  
> Trying his best (but not really) - Sylvain  
> The new picasso - Ignatz  
> No.1 Dorte stan - Marianne  
> L.H Gloucester - Lorenz  
> Not a child - Lysithea  
> Thinking of Jeralt - Leonie  
> Almighty chonk - Raphael  
> Local cryptid - Bernadetta  
> A lil confused but has the spirit - Petra

**House of Memes**

**Highly Unqualified for this** _came online_

**Highly unqualified for this:** Cyril really needs to chill out

**The meme lord:** Agreed

**Can I axe you a question:** Truth

**The new picasso:** If i may ask, what brought this on?

**Highly unqualified for this:** The fact I just stepped into the building and Cyril is immediately up in my face about Rhea needing to see me

**The new picasso:** I see

**Highly unqualified for this:** Rhea’s going to have to wait, a bitch needs a coffee

**The meme Lord:** ‘a bitch needs a coffee’, thank you for this wisdom O wise one

**Highly unqualified for this:** Shut it Claude

**The meme lord:** You love me really ;)

**Highly unqualified for this:** Do I really?

**The meme lord:** You’re right, you spend too much time pining after Dorothea for that

**Highly unqualified for this:** Claude, I swear to the goddess…

**Can i axe you a question:** Oooo Byleth gonna snaaap

**L.H Gloucester:** Hilda, professors do not ‘snap’

**Highly unqualified for this:** Another reason I’m unqualified for this tbh

**The meme lord:** How did you even get this job?? The rest of us at least studied here while you hadn’t even heard of Garreg Mach until you arrived

**Highly unqualified for this:** Alois apparently decided to recommend me and Rhea agreed somehow??? 

**Can I axe you a question:** Wild, honestly what was that woman thinking?

**Highly unqualified for this:** I ask myself that everyday tbh

**L.H Gloucester:** ‘that woman’ just so happens to be our boss and one of the most respected figures in Fodlan, I think it wise to respect her as such

**Highly unqualified for this:** Maybe when she’s not a shady bitch.

**Highly unqualified for this:** Anyway, as much as I wish I could stay, I do have my coffee now and I can see Cyril glaring at me so I gotta go

**Highly unqualified for this** _ went offline _

**The meme lord:** goodbye my only friend

**Can I axe you a question:** Bro, I’m right here

**The meme lord:** yall hear sumn

**Can I axe you a question:** This is why Byleth doesn’t like you tbh

**The meme lord:** You wound me Hilda

**\---**

**DMs: Claude + Dorothea**

**Claude:** I have a great idea

**Dorothea** _ came online _

**Dorothea:** doubt

**Claude:** you haven’t even heard it yet!

**Dorothea:** None of your ‘great’ ideas have ever actually been great

**Claude:** greatness is all in the eye of the beholder but I promise this time even you’ll be impressed

**Claude:** At least consider it for the chaos

**Dorothea:** ...Tell me

**Claude:** Knew that would pique your interest

**Claude:** Anyway, the idea is that you change your nickname in the group chat to ‘local byleth admirer’

**Dorothea:** dfghjkkjhgjh why

**Claude:** Chaos!

**Dorothea:** So you want me to change my nickname to that..in front of byleth who you know I have a crush on... just for some chaos???

**Claude:** Pretty much

**Dorothea:** You’re right, that’s a great idea

\---

**House of Memes**

**Drama Queen** _ changed their nickname to  _ **Local Byleth admirer**

**Can I axe you a question:** Oh my god

**Can I axe you a question:** Claude you absolute mad lad you actually got her to do it??

**Local Byleth admirer:** you know me, I’m a sucker for some chaos ;)

**The meme lord:** See i TOLD you it would be a great idea

**Local Byleth admirer:** You were so right, I’m sorry for doubting you

**Not a child** _ and  _ **Trying his best (but not really)** _ came online _

**Not a child:** This can only end badly

**Trying his best (but not really):** I think you mean it can only end spectacularly

**Not a child:** I really don’t

**Local Byleth admirer:** For once I actually agree with Sylvain

**Trying his best (but not really):** Ow my heart but I appreciate it anyway!

**Local Byleth admirer:** Of course <3

**Trying his best (but not really):** Should let you guys know that I am in the perfect position to see their reaction

**The meme lord:** Wait really? How come??

**Trying his best (but not really):** Neither of us have classes for a while so while I can’t guarantee most likely we’re gonna be lurking in the staff room for a while

**Can I axe you a question:** You are legally obligated to tell us everything that happens

**Trying his best (but not really):** Of course, though I do suspect Seteth is going to try and drag me into doing actual work

**Local Byleth admirer:** When was the last time you actually graded your students’ work again??

**Trying his best (but not really):** I’d say about a few weeks ago

**Not a child:** And you wonder why Seteth is always on your case

**Trying his best (but not really):** Exactly! Glad you understand :)

**Not a child:** -.-

**Trying his best (but not really):** Oh here we go! Byleth has entered the room lads

**Can I axe you a question:** Oh shit here we go

**The meme lord:** Are we all ready?

**Not a child:** I’m not being dragged into one of your stupid schemes again

**The meme lord:** way to kill the mood Lysithea

**Local Byleth admirer:** I’m always ready xx

**The meme lord:** At least I can rely on someone here!

**Local Byleth admirer:** <3

**Highly unqualified for this** _ has logged in _

**Highly unqualified for this:** ...Should i even ask?

**The meme lord:** Ask what, teach?

**Highly unqualified for this:** You know perfectly well what

**The meme lord:** Honest to the Goddess I have no clue what you’re talking about :)

**Local Byleth Admirer:** Hi professor! How was your meeting with Rhea?

**Highly unqualified for this:** .

**Highly unqualified for this** _ went offline _

**Can I axe you a question:** DFGHJKJHG OH MY GODDESS

**Local Byleth admirer:** Was it something i said?

**The meme lord:** I don’t know what I was expecting but it was not that!!

**Trying his best (but not really):** Wait guys I need to do something

**Local byleth Admirer:** fear.jpg

\---

**Sylvain** _created a new group chat_

**Sylvain** _ invited  _ **Claude, Hilda** _ and  _ **Dorothea**

**Sylvain:** Decided to create a group chat for this so Byleth doesn’t actually murder me

**Hilda:** Big brain sylvain

**Dorothea:** Wait you mean to tell me

**Dorothea:** Sylvain actually has a functional brain cell?

**Sylvain:** I came here for a good time and I just feel so attacked right now

**Dorothea:** Good you deserve it

**Claude:** Do i need to report a murder??

**Hilda:** I think you just might, I have a feeling Sylvain’s gonna turn up dead in Miami

**Sylvain:** as much as I love discussing my murder, this is not why I brought us all here together

**Sylvain:** As Hilda had mentioned earlier, I am legally obligated to tell you guys about what’s happening with Byleth

**Dorothea:** Spill the tea sis

**Sylvain:** Her face is basically a tomato right now

**Claude:** Wait that’s possible???

**Hilda:** What do you mean by ‘wait that’s possible’????

**Claude:** Hilda have you ever seen Byleth blush even a little

**Hilda:** Fair point tbh

**Dorothea:** Oh it’s very possible, I’ve seen it firsthand

**Claude:** I have no doubt about that

**Claude:** I think you hold the dubious honor of being the sole cause of Byleth blushing

**Dorothea:** Why thank you I’m flattered

**Sylvain:** Wait you guys I’ve not even mentioned the best part

**Sylvain:** So you know how she went offline super quickly?

**Dorothea:** Yeah?

**Claude:** Absolutely iconic move

**Sylvain:** Well immediately after she dropped her phone and then just stared into space for a good minute

**Dorothea:** No way

**Claude:** Oh my goddess the gal went into a full gay panic

**Hilda:** Claude you broke a perfectly good professor!!

**Claude:** Lol my bad

**Hilda:** Sleep with one eye open, P sure Rhea’s gonna be out for your blood

**Claude:** Fuck you’re right

**Dorothea:** What if I told you guys I need to go into the staff room

**Hilda:** I think that may just send Byleth into a gay coma

**Sylvain:** I’d say come on in anyway and see what happens

**Dorothea:** You make a compelling argument

**Claude:** I actually lowkey kinda feel bad for Byleth but also I don’t

**Hilda:** I think this is probably why Byleth doesn’t like us (Dorothea excluded obviously)

**Sylvain:** Eh you’re probably right, Byleth has been glaring at me for a while now

**Dorothea:** and why is that?   
  


**Sylvain:** i maaay have started laughing when she dropped her phone

**Claude:** Wow I think you may have a death wish

**Sylvain:** And this is news to you?

**Claude:** Good point

\---

**House of Memes**

**A lil confused but has the spirit** _came online_

**Local byleth admirer:** Petra!! Where have you been? I’ve not seen you all day

**A lil confused but has spirit:** Apologies, Am I..knowing you?

**Local Byleth admirer:** Oh right you weren’t there. It’s Dorothea, I changed my nickname on this group chat!

**A lil confused but has spirit:** Oh i am seeing!

**A lil confused but has the spirit:** Is Byleth alright? I am seeing they left rather quickly

**Trying his best (but not really):** Oh don’t worry, she’s absolutely fine. I think she maaay have finally recovered from her gay panic

**A lil confused but has the spirit:** Is this something I am needing to be worried about?

**Local Byleth admirer:** Dw it’s nothing

**Local Byleth admirer:** Guess now is a good time to go in then

**Can I axe you a question:** Go for it girl!

**Local Byleth admirer:** See y’all on the other side!

**Local Byleth admirer** _ went offline _

\---

“Well, well, well! If it isn’t the local Byleth admirer!”

Byleth looked up from the paper she was grading maybe a bit too quickly. Judging by Sylvain immediately bursting into another peal of laughter, yeah she had definitely looked up too quickly. She sent the red head a withering look for what felt the hundredth time this morning. He just grinned back at her with a smug glint in his eye.

She rolled her eyes and looked back down at her desk. She didn’t have much free time left and was determined to get some more work done. It seemed fate had other plans, however, as Dorothea decided to perch on the table she was working on of all places.

“There’s some perfectly fine chairs, you know,” Byleth muttered quietly without looking up.

Dorothea huffed but as she moved to sit in the chair opposite her Byleth could see that the music teacher was more amused than insulted. “You know, you never did answer my question earlier.”

Byleth sighed, accepting that she indeed would not be getting more work done and leaned back in her chair to look at Dorothea. “You never asked me anything,” she pointed out bluntly.

“I did,” Dorothea argued back, grinning like a cat. “On the group chat.”

Byleth fought to control her growing blush though judging by the way Dorothea grinned even more she failed. “What question was that?”

“How was your meeting with Rhea?”

“Yet another talk about great expectations and to continue guiding students,” Byleth groaned, rolling her eyes as she fell forwards onto her desk. “Same as usual, what else do I expect at this point?”

“Yeah, least she could do would be teach you the basics of a job you have no qualifications for,” Sylvain piped in, still grinning his head off while typing on his phone. “Not to say you’re doing a bad job to be clear.”

Byleth chuckled dryly. “Loathe as I am to admit it, you have a point,” she sighed. “I still don’t get why Rhea chose to employ me as a teacher of all things. Hell, I wanna know why that damn Alois even recommended me.”

“Some mysteries will forever remain as, well, mysteries,” Dorothea mused to herself. “Though I think Alois meant well by it and I doubt he’s part of any grand scheme Lady Rhea has concocted.”

“That’s true, I don’t think Alois can think that far head,” Byleth thought out loud as she stood up.

“Going somewhere?” Dorothea asked, tilting her head slightly.

“Got a lesson starting in a few minutes, I should get going before I’m late,” Byleth explained quickly as she began gathering her things together. “Sorry to cut this short.”

“Oh no worries, there’s very little free time here,” Dorothea assured her though Byleth could tell the music teacher was still a little disappointed. “Besides, I can always hit you up on the group chat if there’s an emergency.”

“Of course,” Byleth nodded, lifting her bag onto her shoulder. “Well, I’ll be seeing you.”

“See you later, professor!” Dorothea chirped as she watched the english teacher leave. She turned to Sylvain. “Does she even have a lesson right now?”

“Nope!”

\---

**Sylvain** _ changed the group chat’s name to  _ **A bunch of pine trees**

**Dorothea:** Interesting name

**Sylvain:** Thanks! I came up with it after seeing your ridiculous pining just now

**Dorothea:** Wow you’re talking to me about pining?? Have you seen yourself around Marianne?

**Sylvain:** ...Touche

**Claude:** I think all of us here are pining after someone

**Hilda:** True except I still don’t know who it is for you

**Claude:** I strive to remain a man of many mysteries

**Hilda:** Hmm

**Sylvain:** wait, I have a question

**Dorothea:** everybody run

**Sylvain:** love you too

**Sylvain:** Anyway did you even need to come into the staff room?

**Dorothea:** Not really lmao

**Claude:** Legend

\---

**DMs: Claude + Dorothea**

**Dorothea:** To be clear, your vagueness is cos you’re pining after Hilda right?

**Claude:** Exactly

**Dorothea:** Noted

**Claude:** Fear.jpg

\---

**A bunch of pine trees**

**Dorothea** _changed their nickname to_ **Pine tree for Byleth**

**Claude** _ changed their nickname to  _ **Pine tree of Mystery**

**Sylvain** _ changed their nickname to  _ **Pine tree for Marianne**

**Hilda:** Wait what am I!?

**Pine tree of mystery:** Whatever you wanna be ;)

**Hilda** _ changed their nickname to  _ **A dead tree**

**Pine tree of Mystery:** WOW OK

**Pine tree for Byleth:** Mood tbh

**Pine tree for Marianne:** Big mood

**A dead tree:** The true bi solidarity

**Pine tree for Byleth:** Are you even bi, Hilda? Genuine question

**A dead tree:** I am!

**Pine tree of mystery:** Four chaotic bisexuals in a group chat what crimes will they commit

\---

**House of Memes**

**Highly unqualified for this** _ came online _

**Highly unqualified for this:** Remind me to never cover lessons again

**Trying his best (but not really):** wait you mean you actually had to go to a lesson?

**Highly unqualified for this:** Yes?? What did you expect??

**Trying his best (but not really):** I thought you had just left in a gay panic???

**Highly unqualified for this:** I don’t leave in a ‘gay panic’ Sylvain

**The meme lord:** doubt

**Can I axe you a question:** doubt

**Trying his best (but not really):** doubt

**Highly unqualified for this:** You lot becoming friends is the worst thing to happen to this school

**No.1 Dorte stan** _ came online _

**No.1 Dorte stan:** oh..am I interrupting something? Sorry I’ll go

**Trying his best (but not really):** Not at all! No need to leave

**No.1 Dorte stan:** oh..ok

**No.1 Dorte stan:** Byleth if i can ask

**Highly unqualified for this:** Go right ahead

**No.1 Dorte stan:** Umm..what class did you cover?

**Highly unqualified for this:** If you guys can believe it

**Highly unqualified for this:** Religious studies

**Trying his best (but not really):** NO WAY

**Highly unqualified for this:** Yes way

**Local Byleth admirer:** How..how did this even happen??

**Highly unqualified for this:** It seems Mercedes was unable to come in today and Seteth asked me of all people to cover???

**The meme lord:** You think Seteth is in on Rhea’s grand scheme of questionable decisions???

**Highly unqualified for this:** Nah, he’s too suspicious of my employment for that

**The meme lord:** True true. Didn’t he follow you around the campus for like a week after your arrival?

**Highly unqualified for this:** yep

**Highly unqualified for this:** Anyway

**Highly unqualified for this:** There’s been no other time where my nickname has been so fitting

**Local Byleth admirer:** Goddess I wish I was there too see you teaching about religion

**Highly unqualified for this:** You really don’t, I was all over the place and basically reading off of the textbook

**Highly unqualified for this:** Students can sense weakness I swear

**The meme lord:** Oh they definitely can, any sign of weakness and they’re out for blood

**L.H Gloucester:** For once I must agree with Claude, students can be rather ruthless indeed

**Can i axe you a question:** Oh hey Lorenz we thought you were dead

**L.H Gloucester:** I must say Professor Byleth that it would be advantageous for you to at least understand the basics of the religion while working here

**Highly unqualified for this:** Yeah no I’ll pass thanks

**Trying his best (but not really):** So overly formal on a group chat that’s mostly shitposts

**Local Byleth admirer:** Oh, he’s like this in lessons too

**L.H Gloucester:** Well, obviously

**Local Byleth admirer:** Lorenz this is why students never take you seriously

**The meme lord:** How do you know this?

**Local Byleth admirer:** I have the ‘pleasure’ of bearing witness to it when working on the school productions

**Local Byleth admirer:** None of the students were really listening to anything he was saying, it was a lil sad ngl

**Trying his best (but not really):** Somehow this does not surprise me at all

**The meme lord:** Moo

**The meme lord:** Mood *****

  
  


**Can I axe you a question:** MOO

**Local Byleth admirer:** Moo!!

**Trying his best (but not really):** Moo

**The meme lord:** I should have known this would happen

**The meme lord:** Teach help

**Highly unqualified for this:** …

**Highly unqualified for this:** Moo

**Trying his best (but not really):** I’M

**Can i axe you a question:** BYLETH YOU LEGEND

**Local Byleth admirer:** Byleth I love you

**Highly unqualified for this:** h

**Highly unqualified for this** _ went offline _

**Trying his best (but not really):** Really Dorothea??? Again??

**Local Byleth admirer:** :’) the power I wield

**The meme lord:** Terrifying


End file.
